Supporting a Friend Through Cancer: An Honest Guide for Carers and Loved Ones

WTF! Your Friend has Cancer

If you have a friend or loved one who has cancer, you may be wondering how you can best support them. Of course they are going through an enormous amount, but you are also likely to be experiencing a wave of emotions yourself and probably feeling lost and scared.

The most important thing is not to be afraid to talk with your friend. Even if you are scared of saying something wrong, telling them you do not know what to say is far better than pulling back because you are worried about putting your foot in it.

Every relationship is different, with different roles, boundaries and emotions. In this article we are going to cover how to support a friend with cancer and share some practical advice from people who have been there. Take inspiration from the suggestions below to help you be the best support you can be.

You can also read our "What Not to Say" article for advice on avoiding unintentionally upsetting your loved one.

DO NOT FORGET THE CARER

If you have a friend going through treatment, remember to also check in on the people supporting them.

Primary carers can become overwhelmed and often feel overlooked, but may not want to make a fuss because they are not the one who is sick.

During my cancer treatment my partner found it really hard that no one asked how he was. Everyone asked him how I was doing, but he was also struggling with watching someone he loved go through something so difficult.

Checking in on the carer, or offering to help them with errands, indirectly helps your friend too. It gives the carer emotional and practical support and frees them up to be a better support for the person going through treatment.

JUST DO IT, DO NOT ASK

One of the biggest things I noticed during my treatment was that well-meaning friends would say "let me know if there is anything I can do." I appreciated the sentiment enormously, but I never knew what I might need, and I hate asking for help.

One neighbour would make me a meal once a week when they were already cooking for themselves. It was always incredibly well received.

Would I have ever asked them to cook for me? Absolutely not. Did I appreciate it and did it make my life easier? Without a doubt.

The lesson here is to just do something rather than waiting to be asked. Show up with food. Offer a specific thing. People are much more likely to accept help when it is offered concretely.

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

Offer unconditional love and support without any agenda or expectation.

Laugh together. Cancer is rubbish, but maintaining a sense of humour and keeping positive energy around your friend can make a genuinely terrible situation more bearable.

Send regular texts or emails, but do not expect a reply. They may not always be up to responding and that is okay.

Let them express their emotions and cry if they need to. You do not need to fix anything. Just being there is enough.

If they are religious, let them know you are keeping them in your prayers.

Send regular cards or letters. These are comforting and do not come with the pressure of an immediate response the way a phone call or text can.

Small, thoughtful gifts to let them know you are thinking of them can mean a great deal.

Advocate on their behalf with medical procedures if they need someone to speak up for them.

Call if your friend is a phone person. Do not be surprised if they do not always answer, but know they will appreciate knowing you called even if they could not pick up.

Hugs. If your friend is a hugger they are going to welcome these with open arms.

If your friend has decided to shave their hair, going along for a cut at the same time can be a powerful show of solidarity. You might not be up for a buzz cut, but cutting long hair short to donate to a wig charity is a beautiful option.

Do not let cancer become all-consuming in every conversation. Your friend may want to talk about it sometimes, but they are still a whole person with the same interests and passions they had before their diagnosis. Encourage them to keep talking about and engaging with the things they love.

FINANCIAL SUPPORT

Your friend may be worried about money but most people will not ask for financial help directly.

With their permission, you could start a fundraiser so others can contribute and ease some of the financial pressure.

If you are in a position to do so, a direct gift of cash to help with time off work or medical expenses can be genuinely life-changing.

Gift vouchers for meal delivery services are a practical and thoughtful option for the days they do not feel like cooking.

GIVING YOUR TIME

Take your friend out for a short walk or a low-key activity they have the energy for. Sometimes this might just be a coffee in the park.

Personal visits can mean so much. Just check they are feeling up to it first and make sure they know it is absolutely okay to say no.

GIFT IDEAS

A blanket they can use to nap when they are feeling unwell. Bonus points if you can have it embroidered with a supportive message. A weighted blanket can also help with anxiety.

Chemo can be incredibly drying on the skin, so a quality hand cream or moisturiser will be warmly received. I fell in love with Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Hand Cream during my treatment.

Something your friend might not buy for themselves that will lift their spirits, such as a beautiful candle or fresh flowers. I was gifted a crystal candle with clear quartz for good health, which I thought was a really touching gesture.

If your friend loses their hair, a gorgeous satin head scarf or some other headwear makes a useful and thoughtful gift.

Chemo can leave an unpleasant taste in the mouth and cause nausea, so ginger lollies or mints are a practical and appreciated addition to a care package.

If your friend enjoys puzzles, a crossword or sudoku book will keep them entertained during long chemo sessions.

We have also put together chemo packs that include products we found useful ourselves during treatment.

PRACTICAL SUPPORT

Prepare meals that can be kept in the fridge or freezer for whenever your friend needs them.

Drop off fresh fruit so they have something healthy to snack on without having to think about it.

If you are not much of a cook, gift cards for food delivery let your friend choose comforting meals on their own terms.

If your friend has a favourite coffee order and it is practical to do so, include them in your morning coffee run and drop it to them.

When you are doing your own grocery shopping, offer to pick up anything they need. They may not want you to make a special trip, but if you are already there they will be much more comfortable saying yes.

Offer to drive them to and from appointments.

Help with household chores or errands when you visit. Emptying the dishwasher or taking the bins out is a small thing that can make a real difference.

If they have children, offer playdates, sleepovers or fun outings to give your friend a break and the kids some much-needed normality.

If your children attend the same school, offer to do the school run as often as you can manage.

Help them find support groups or counselling services if they are open to it.

Make plans for small activities but be clear that you are completely flexible and there are no hard feelings if they need to cancel.

Above all, if you offer to help, follow through.

A NOTE FOR PRIMARY CARERS

If you are the primary carer, it is vital that you also look after yourself. Some practical things you can do:

Stay in touch with your own friends and family and let people support you too.

Consider joining a support group for caregivers.

Keep up regular exercise and try to eat well.

Take time to relax and recharge, even if it is just a short walk or an hour to yourself.

Seek professional help if you are feeling overwhelmed. There is no shame in it and it will make you a better support for your friend.

If you find yourself needing to talk to someone after reading this article you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or The Cancer Council on 13 11 20